When a men beats his wife why does he keep coming back?
Posted by adminNov 4
A friends husband beats her and then he keeps coming back saying that he will change. He says he will change and that he loves her, she takes him back. But why does he still want her so bad?
18 comments
Comment by Jordan M on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I don’t really think is about him wanting her so bad….it’s about the power he feels over her. She allows him to beat her AND allows him to come back. To him that’s power.
There will come the day when he won’t be able to come back…that’s the day your friend will be leaving in a gurney…..
Can you talk some sense into her?
Comment by J M on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Because she lets him beat her.
Most women would tell him to get lost. He likes knowing he can do anything he wants and she will put up with it.
Comment by tamara c on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
It is a total control issue…..apparently he is lacking in some aspect of his own life and needs to make her feel bad to make himself feel good. However, If your friend allows this to keep happening then she is missing something in her own life that she feels like she needs to be treated like this and that it is ok
Comment by Kelvin on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
LOVE?
Comment by Bee ? on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
It’s control. He likes knowing he cn get away with it.
Comment by Charlie on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Because he is abusive… He has the guts to beat up women and put them down to make himself feel better, but if her was ever around real men he would probably never have the guts to do it to a guy.
Some men have this thought process "If I can’t have you, no one can " along with If they can’t be happy no one else should be either.
Yes, it is wrong and your friend should go to Abuse counseling and get away before she ends up dead.
Comment by blueyedimples on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
it is a matter of control. when he has the potential of loosing "control" over her, he manipulates her to regain that oppertunity. sick.
Comment by Precious on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
He is simply a control freak.
He says he loves her and will do better by her but deep down don’t in his heart he doesn’t mean what he says.
He has probably grew up in a house hold where his father beat his mother and thinks this is how a man is suppose to treat a woman.
The vicious cycle continues.
She needs to leave him and go on with her life and find a man who will love her and treat her with respect.
Comment by will i cya on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
He does not want her nor does he love her. The only reason why he say he wants her is because she is weak and he know that he can get over on her by playing on her emotions. He is also weak cause he is insecure and not only that he is also a coward. Only cowards hit on women and only weak women take cowards back.
Comment by Kookychiqa on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
A form of control he has over another person - even though he doesn’t feel good afterward - he is getting some of his needs met while the beating is taking place - and probably the behavior of the one he’s beating will ultimately fall in line with what he wants it to be - looking for that person to inevitably feel helpless and have to rely on them - taking away their self-esteem and allowing the man to feel good in the process
Comment by GreenGrasshopper on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
That’s part of the abuser’s cycle. He could just really be sick and not be able to stop himself w/o getting professional help. Or he could just be a liar/user who knows she’ll keep taking him back. Which brings me to the real question:
Why does SHE keep TAKING him back?
Comment by Kila on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
He needs her and needs to control her. He will never change. (My uncle beat my aunt for decades.) She needs to go to a domestic abuse shelter, file a police report, and file for divorce. It’s hard, I know, but she needs to do it. Her life is in danger. In my aunt’s case, the court granted her a very quick divorce.
Comment by Dakotah C on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Because she is stupid.
Comment by bibus75 on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Some researchers view domestic violence is that it is a strategy to gain or maintain power and control over the victim. It is usually developing into 3 phases
.Honeymoon Phase
Characterized by affection, apology, and apparent end of violence. During this stage the batterer feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness. Some batterers walk away from the situation, while others shower their victims with love and affection.
Tension Building Phase
Characterized by poor communication, tension, fear of causing outbursts. During this stage the victim tries to calm the batterer down, to avoid any major violent confrontations.
Acting-out Phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the batterer attempts to dominate his victim, with the use of domestic violence.
Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviours of the Honeymoon Phase serve to perpetuate the abuse. He need someone as a victim.
Comment by Mo G on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
She is the only one that wont beat him back.
Comment by wirenut_99 on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
maybe its not that he wants her he just doesnt want anyone else to have her either,or maybe he has a anger prob.and need help before he hurts her badly. sweet milderd is our leader. she wants you to craw into the playpen with me for some fun
Comment by Ian E on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Popular psychology has ‘ready made answers’ for so many things. There is nothing wrong with treating this material seriously, but only if one remembers that it is based solely upon percentages, upon statistics. The only way to arrive at an accurate diagnosis of this dramatic problem is to ‘examine’ the individuals concerned, and to do this in patient depth.
Psychology, as proclaimed by ignorant, hack journalists, will usually say, with enormous confidence, that this man is seeking ‘control’, is acting out a model given him in childhood by, typically, his father.
It is probably true that a high percentage of these wife-beating men follow this standardised profile.
It is also true that this does NOT apply to a significant number of such men.
Homicidal maniacs would surely be amongst these!
So, however, would possibly be some revered, God-fearing Archbishops.
Wife-beating is a well-publicised and ’serious’ problem today, but it was not always thus. In many parts of the world, it is still actually the norm!
i. ['Ownership' of ones wife is emphatically suggested by many of our Christian liturgies on the Sacrament of Marriage, for example!]
ii. [ In a nation that relatively recently practiced the ownership of slaves, this manifestation of ownership could well be abnormally prominent, for example!]
"She is mine, and I should not ’spare the rod’ lest my property becomes less valuable." is one such neanderthal response to a scenario such as the above! The wife-beating, I am sure, would sometimes be performed with calm regret, and in supposed obedience to religious teaching, etc.
I really doubt that this issue should be definitively dealt with here. Statistics and canned psychology are simply inadequate for the diagnosis of any human situation!
There is, however, no earthly reason why the woman should tolerate this demeaning, dangerous behaviour, and there is every indication that her husband is capable of doing her harm. This bullying behaviour is wrong [whatever the rationale], and she should not feel any pressure to stay with him.
Of course, she should not feel communal pressure to leave him, either!
Comment by Chris on November 4, 2009 at 8:38 pm
AGREE WITH ANSWER 1